Its me again!

Alright I must admit I have neglected my followers by disappearing again...... I am truly sorry! Please forgive me ^_^ I have a lot going on in my life right not. Hopefully soon I will be blogging on a regular basis. I know I know... I've said this before, but I really mean it this time. In the mean time hear are some photos of the view of my balcony. I played with the color of some before shooting them. First Pic taken 3/1/2011 and the other two taken 3/4/2011.

Pikes Peak to the left

Very overcast and you can't see Pikes Peak

This week(Updated)

This is one of those weeks I dread. This is a very stressful week. I'm in pain and I have to deal with appts/ctdates/pro liar/pt/therapy.

I started my day at 4:30am I went to the gym and had a productive workout but had to drag my ass there once there I still felt like crap until the adrenaline started kicking in, then I was on a roll. The down side is once the workout, showering, getting ready for work is over I have about an hour til the pain starts again. I wish I could have a prescription for adrenalin^_^ it seems to keep the pain away, anyway I made it to work I think between Bre and I we equal one person today. I have two appts today, one appt tomorrow, one appt Thur, and one on Friday.

Emotionally, I am a wreck right now. TG for prescriptions they take the edge off. I'm thinking I need a vacation I need a break from life right now. I do not look forward to meeting with the liar today, but it must be done. If he wants to talk about what I think, he will be very disappointed and probably mad. My primary support people are not here right now due to a death in the family so I'm on the skating rink alone at least that's how I feel. I will do my best not to freeze up and shut down today during the liar meeting. I normally don't blog about anything to personal unless it's on my private blog, but what the hell you only live once right?

Some of you reading this may be probably thinking what the F is she talking about. It's OK if you don't get it I just need to rant/ramble. I so need my mom right now. I'm on a very thin edge of glass creeping across trying not to fall through. She should be coming to live with me soon I hope as long as she doesn't change her mind. I need her just as much as she needs me right now. We both need each other emotionally and she needs me physically for her health etc...

Time is dragging ass right now. All I can do is take it one day at a time is all I can do @(*_*)@

PS.S Lets see how long it takes the liar to cancel the appt LOL

Updated:
Ha Ha the pro liar called and cancelled of course I knew it. The amout of money I've put into him is crazy. Any how his secretary said he will call me around 3pm and we will meet over the phone lol what a bunch of poop. That is like having a doctor or therapist call you and say hey I need to cancel and I will call you instead and we will talk about your pain or problems over the phone and oh yeah by the way I still have to charge you. What a joke! He's in for a rude awaking!!

If

theres a group of people out there that expect their mate to change so that their goals align with the others'

theres another group of people that do not wish for their mate to change at all and of course they do and simply respond with 'people change'

i have found myself in both of these groups with the lack of understanding that change is inevitable but we dont always recognize it as such

i now know that i dont want the impression of change to occur or bend with me in sight

if the change occurs naturally and becomes misaligned with the intentional goals sought out by both mates then it was never meant to be

if there is insight proven for a need of change then it was never meant to be

if your vocabulary/communication obstructs the truth or you can never be sure of the exact meaning put into context ...or if you are in the same book but cant find the same page...or if you are in the library at the same time but cant find the same book...trouble lurks ahead

if your goals (short and long term) dont align, then whats the point?

if you are looking for a relationship the right one will not occur, if you are not searching for a relationship it seems as though 'when it rains it pours'

then there is the term of isolation which is meant for nourishment of your soul, use this time wisely, although lonely it is time for discovery and allowment for search, growth, healing and rebirth

Blogging

Lately, I've wanted to blog about so much but just haven't really posted much. I have four postings sitting in Edit post waiting to be released to the world, but I will not post them. Why? I don't know I'm just being weird I guess. I'm actually tired of everybody right now

I need a break

I need time off from work

I need to scream

I need a hug

I need hope

I need people to be honest

I need my mom

I need sleep

I need my brother

I need to loose weight

I need me back

I need more drugs for sleep

I need sex

I need a drink

I need to be free

I need to move

I need companionship

Why?

Why is it that the people who are closest to you do things that hurt you to the bone and think nothing of it???? people do things all the time and think that it affects no one but them. Why??? I hate that about people. Especially when they have been found out and act like it should not matter. People, please listen. Most things that you do in life affect everyone around you. Dont ever think that you are the only one. No matter how insignificant the situation may be. It is sometimes the small things that can make people lose faith in you. IS it worth it???

Connecting with others

I thought the video said it a lot better than I could have.

Quote

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes - Mark Twain

Awake

So I joined Twitter this morning since I'm awake and can't sleep. I wasn't sure what else to do! I don't know how active I will be on it we will soon find out.

Quotes:

I've learned that people forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel - Maya Angelou

Write Your Own Damn Blog!

A man is wearing a blue shirt. A group of catty women are standing nearby when another man comes along and asks what color the mans shirt is. The women each have a different answer: aqua, sky blue, sea green, baby blue, purple. <---Of course, purple came from the chic who only sees what she wants.

They all see the same shirt, but their perceptions of said shirt are all different. This is true in all matters in our lives. What I may see as hilarious, you may see as stupid.

With that being said...my thoughts, memories and views probably won't be the same as yours. Even if I'm talking about something that you were there for...I may remember it a different way than you.

You are certainly welcome to add your views and perceptions to the comment section, but you are not welcome to debate my memories with me. If you have a problem with what I've written, you can write your own damn blog!

This blog isn't intended to offend anyone. It's just a place for me to write and share things and a place for y'all to be entertained.

Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

My First

This is my tooth that I have been having problems with. I went to the dentist a week ago and this is my tooth prepped for a Crown. This is my first Crown Isn't it Beautiful :) I have always taken good care of my teeth and never got a cavity until after I was thirty and you are now looking at it as it is filled with silver. I had the Dentist take a picture of my tooth with their really cool camera since I could not get a good picture with my cell phone ^_^ This is what my tooth looked like before the temp crown was put on. I was told that they have never been asked to take a picture of someones tooth and e-mail it to them before. I was also their First he he...This tooth has been killing me even with the temp Crown. Sorry, If I've been kinda Bitchy and overly assertive this week, now I have drugs (legal of course) I hope I don't have to have another First (Root Canal:( ) on this tooth I cannot imagine having bad teeth I love my teeth. I work with someone who has one tooth in her entire mouth at the bottom in the middle and it is black and I gag every time I accidentally look her in the mouth. There is no excuse for that when you have worked for the same company for over 25 years and have awesome benefits. It's just gross!

Thinking out loud

I'm trying to decide if I want to take up karate again. I feel I need a little more fitness in my life right now. I know swimming laps during lunch is good, but I need more. I really hate going to the gym by myself or running by myself. When I was active in running my good friend (sister) and I use to run together in the evenings after her husband and I got home from work she was a stay at home mom. Once her husband was settled in for a couple hours then I would drive over and off we went without the children she only had 2 children a baby and a toddler.

We would start it off going uphill on our route and it was near their house. We would run 5ks together just for the fun of it we never cared about time as long as we finished in less than an hour. We would run together 95% of the race until towards the end and then one of us would start sprinting. The best part of the race was seeing my Godchildren (nephew & niece) and their father at the end waiting for us to cross. I cannot describe the feeling but it was good.

About six months after our last race together her husband killed himself with his police issued weapon. Why? We will never know, but what I do know is that he left two beautiful children behind and I am grateful that her and the children were in another state when he did it. Statically if they were home he would have taken his family with him. He was a runner also he enjoyed longer races like 10ks so we left that to him to do and he had his family waiting for him at the end also.

Due to the him killing himself in the home she decided not to return to the home or even the State with the children. So I was left in charge while in my 20's of getting things shipped to her hiring someone to do a bio hazard clean up, hiring a Realtor to sell the house, locating 3 hidden weapons in the house he hid to give to the police so that they could be shipped to his father because she did not want them. Apparently weapons have to be shipped between police departments across state lines when changing ownership. I handle things very well under pressure it's just when it's all over that I break down. It's around that time of year I start thinking too much about this life experience. This is when I lost my running buddy. The first 5k race I ran after this I ran alone since she was living in another state. When I got to the finish line I literally had a panic attack it's funny now, but it wasn't then. I was use to having someone waiting at the end and I had flashes of him and the kids it was very traumatic. I still struggle with doing a race and having no one waiting at the end.

This is my brain on stress!

Remembering

This is one place I am very familiar with. I've had my share of attending funerals. This was the final destination after all the funerals I had attended growing up. The family I have lost up until this point have all been buried in a National Cemetery. I would visit the cemetery often growing up and knew exactly where everyone was even people I didn't know I would visit. When I was a teenager I would visit a very special family member frequently and I would fall asleep next to his headstone on different occasions along with the plastic flowers that were only allowed at the cemetery. This was the only reason I was late getting home as a teenager. Never once did I admit I had fallen asleep at the cemetery. The grounds keepers knew me by name and never bothered me unless I was sleep and they were locking the gate. If it was a nice night they would let me be they knew when I awoke I would just jump the wall to get out. Then the cemetery was declared full I didn't know what to expect. Another National Cemetery was built and my grandmother was the first in our family to be buried there. I was very disappointed when that happened because I had always
thought growing up that most of my family would be buried together, but I was young and naive.

I also had always thought that everyone had a flag on their casket until I attended a regular funeral. It was an odd moment .

A friend in need is a friend in deed.

Immmmm baaaack!

Yes and this time I'm talking about friends..... how many of us have them? friends.....ones we can depend on.

Just the other day I was thinking about my friends and having conversations with a few of my so called friends.

When I am in need of assistance from my friends, it's often difficult to ask and be exposed as "Human" and interdependent upon others. That is the hardest part. and it's also the part that makes me wonder how good of a friend am I.

So I considered for a while am I one of those so called friends who can only befriend someone in need? I can be that friend who can come to the rescue and save the day. I can cheer a pal who's down, I can lend a helping hand sometimes even to my own detriment. I'm a great friend in need. But am I a friend in deed?

Check this out. as I examine my inner most places, I discovered that I carry expectations. Expectations of reciprocation of intent and deed. When I'm in need, I look to my friends to be the friend that I am. I expect them to cheer me, to put themselves aside to assist me in my time of lack, to act in my stead as a champion of my best interest. no matter the personal cost to them excusing emanate detriment. Fair? NO absolutely not. When they do not come thru in the way that I would have them, I am upset, sad and sometimes angry at them simply for not being me and doing what I would have done. So why all the introspection? Why not. perhaps the world would be a better and more authentic place if it were such that more of us interdependent humans spent more time inside our selves than elsewhere. Could it be that "friendship" is a comfortable concept that has been accepted by the masses to qualify our innate interdependent nature, while preserving our fragile ego-ideals?

I think I'll be spending some time pondering this concept and get back to you all in a while. till then......keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.""

Watz up?

This is what happens when I take time off from work (^O_X^)

What I've been up to isn't important, lets talk about head and heart matters...and lets not omit the signals and direction that comes from that place between thighs.

It's kinda cool when two outta the three are congruent, it's scary when all three seem to be saying the same things, and it's crazy when only one of the three says "awe, that water isn't shallow." What to do what to do, sex always complicates things, I mean, there are so many things to negotiate..previous histories, diagnosis, partners, feelings, expectations, points of phycosis, condom use...the list could be even longer. Abstainance is still always an OPTION.

When my sex is not my weapon, or my currency. What stops me from engaging in a sexual relationship with out commitment?

When my sex is not my obsession or my gift to my partner. What pushes me to indulge full in sex with reckless abandon?

When my sex is mine and I am empowered to hold or share it. What makes me make choices about intimacy that feel like missed opportunites?

Men, Ladies please think about what sex means to you before engaging in it. Define intimacy for yourself and evaluate the WHYS. Remain curious.

Sex Safely !

Migraine

So I awoke in the middle of the night with a Migraine. Currently I'm in my idea of hell right now. I showed up to work as usual. The drugs have not kicked in yet. I need them to kick in before I got swim laps at lunch time today. Mind you I have a high pain tolerance so this is hell. Being that I was the only girl growing up I can tolerate a lot of pain (O^X) It's Friday so it should be a slow day. I had plan on looking for places I could transfer to with my job in other states or maybe in another country. Not going to happen until I can read in peace without making my pain worst. There is no rush I have time to do the research. If I do leave the state I will miss my Bre :(

I See stoopid people...

Ugh.

I get easily irritated by other people's stupidity. (Lol - I better keep my mouth shut. I excel at stupid moments myself!)

So, This morning I went to the store to get breakfast and I proceeded to check out.

The total is $26.31

Well, I do not have exactly 0.31 cents, and I do NOT want a whole bunch of useless change back. So in my head, I figured how to get 3 quarters back in change. This is perfect, so I can use 2 quarters later to buy a soda from the machine at work.

My plan is brilliant!!! *high five*

I give the cashier $27.06

She stares at me like I'm an idiot. She says "it's 26 thirty-one."

I stare back at her, like she's the idiot. And I say "I know."

And I'm wondering in my head, wtf is she trying to figure out? She has a cash register smack dab in front of her! All she has to do is type-in the amount I give her, and this cash register will tell her how much change to give back. She does not need to mentally process anything! Her confusion is unnecessary!

She stares at me again. Then she stares at the 0.06 cents in her hand. As if the answer will magically appear if she can stare long enough.

But alas, the answer does not appear. So she starts typing into her register.

And she types $26.06!!!

And the register won't close the sale bc it's saying that there's still a balance of 0.25 left!!!

OMG. I try to explain to her what just happened. But it is not clicking!!! She says that I still owe her another 0.25. And I'm telling her that she typed everything wrong and she owes me 0.75!!!

My blood pressure is sky-rocketing at this point

I tell her to re-count the amount I gave her. She counts $27.06. I point out to her that the cash register only reads $26.06. And finally the light bulb goes off!!!

But then she's like, "But I don't know what to do, because the register says that you still owe me 0.25."

I tell her to give me 0.75.

She does so, but without correcting the mistake she typed into the cash register.

I leave.

She's stuck with an open sale on the register.

After I leave I thought to myself my tags are expired and I'm so close to the Police Dept and I say to myself watch a cop pull behind me. And just as I get to the light one did. So I got pulled over LOL and was asked did I know my plates were expired ha ha! Needless to say I did not get a ticket. I don't get tickets I get business cards LOL they always bring my DL, registration, Insurance card back to me with a business card and off to work I went (o_O)

The Unit.....

Ok, I'm moving to another Safehouse this one is not working out (and I'm not talking about a shelter) I so hate moving, but this is the consequence for being high profile/famous/witness. The good thing is I don't have to keep moving all my things it's all safe in storage(Cold and lonely or hot at times.) Now I take things I need or want with me and everything else stays in storage where it is nice and safe. Not a dull moment in my life the one thing that has remain constant is my job/career I can move all over the states and transfer. O.k I had to get that off my chest.

Cell Phone Etiquette...

I go to the woman’s bathroom at work today and some lady is in there (in another other stall) peeing and talking on the cell phone, which ok, I have to admit when nature calls by all means answer (no pun intended)…but I went into the 2nd stall over from her and peed (lol…too much info) but when I was done I did not know if I should flush the toilet or not…so I stood there wishing I had the magic 8 ball (I always consult the magic 8 ball on all important decisions) I thought the conversation might end, but it didn’t, well I did not want to spend anymore time in there so I flushed the toilet, but I am so sure the person on the other end of the phone heard it. GAWD!!!