Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who have been here to support me through the good and bad times. I'm thankful for new and old friends! I'm also grateful for all the blessings I have received and for my family ^_^

Beach!

So during my travels my friend asked if I wanted to go to the beach and I said yeah. So her boyfriend and his male friend and I went. It was about 45min away once we arrived we had to run through some small woods to get to the beach. The sign said Mosquitoes ahead (I didn't read the rest of the sign) so there like okay we have to run through here. We took off running once on the other side it was beautiful.

As were walking down the beach I started to see people then the further we got I begin to see nudity and thought OMG is this real. The shock was from not knowing it was cloths optional.This was my first time going to a nude beach. Mind you the person I'm with is Mormon (or was Mormon) so I didn't expect it my first reaction was shock then the photographer in me kicked in and grabbed my camera. Okay I couldn't help it! It was a natural instinct. I found myself shooting pictures of people and the ocean. I could not bring myself to take a picture of a female who was nude I think it's just an unwritten code of conduct LOL ^_^




See these pics are art and tasteful and so are my others. At one point I wondered what the one guy was reading and wanted to ask since he was so focused on the words on the paper. I was to shy to walk up to a nude person and ask a question I thought it was an inappropriate time. Then I thought to myself this is the same awkwardness I feel when men do have cloths on and I'm to shy to walk up and ask a question and/or flirt. Weird huh!! Now I have decided that if I'm interested in a guy I will walk up and ask him a question/flirt if he has cloths on. No more excuses it will be much easier with cloths on.

Once we found a spot I still felt kinda awkward. We moved logs around to block the sand etc... I already had my suit on and my friend hers was in my bag. So she asked for her two piece and changed into her top nothing unusual. Her boyfriend was getting situated and his friend was laying his towel down to get some sun. Then BOOM her boyfriend dropped his pants while standing next to me stark naked all I could do was stare at his penis then I turned my head thinking WTF where am I is this a fucking dream I could have went without seeing my girlfriend boyfriends penis. He looked at me and smiled and she had no care in the world. Needless to say I lost time and watched everything happen from above from that point on.

We laid out in the sun for a while. Then she asked me to go get in the water with her I said okay we went into the water only waist high and were talking as I glanced over to the sand and saw her nude boyfriend sitting on his towel and his friend getting sun with his shorts on. Her boyfriend is very clingy so I wondered how long he would let us stay in the water with out him just as this cross my mind he gets his naked ass up and walk towards the water. I think fuck so he comes into the water and is all over her it was awkward. So she takes her top off in the water then I think shit watching from above not able to say anything. She threw me her top to toss on the beach well it went into the water the he says lets play keep away. Three adults one with a suit, one with only bikini bottoms, and one nude one playing keep away and yes he was in the middle so I had to watch is body parts move as he moved. Then I had my friend boobs bouncing everywhere. I must say it was an experience. Will I do it again hmmm........ I'm not sure. I would like to choose to go and not be thrown into it ya know!

Suicide!

I wrote this May 2nd but apparently it didn't post so here it is (I will move it to May 2nd in a few days):

I’m sad right now but hopeful. I spoke with my friend who lives in another state Sat night early Sunday morning around 1:40am. She called me and I missed the first call because I was sleep. I answered the second call. She was crying and I begin talking with her. She sounded out of it.

She told me she wanted to die I asked if she had done anything and she said yeah that she started taking 4-5 Xanax and another medication at a time and had take at least half of two different bottles. We talked it through it turned out she had taken at least 60 Xanax and I couldn’t understand how many of the other. We talked for about 30min then I told her I loved her and wanted her to live. I reminded her of our deal me made together. I reminded her that I’m alive because of her. I told her If I was close I would come over and make sure she got to the hospital. She keep asking me how do I continue to live with what I’ve gone through and I said because of you and our pack and I’m not going to let you down. So I told her she had a couple choices one for her to go wake up her husband and let me talk to him so he could get her help, or I would call the police to come to her house. She just saw her therapist that day (Sat) and promised not to do anything. When that’s all you can think about a promise means nothing and that’s when you reach out for help again. Sometimes you can only take it one hour at a time.

Mind you during our conversation I was online trying to figure out the city she lived in because I could not remember due to me being under the influence of my sleeping meds myself. I looked up her area code and then I recognized the city. I checked my e-mail for her last name because I could not remember jack. So I finally got it all and was ready to call the police if I needed to. I finally convinced her to wake up her husband and to let me talk to him. She did after talking to her for almost an hour. I told him my name and that I was a friend of his wife and that I had been talking to her for about 50min or so and that she had taken an overdose of pills and needed to go to the hospital. He sighed and said OK.

I waited on the phone because I didn’t know if he was going to give the phone back to her or what. I heard him ask her what she fucking took she couldn’t really explain because I could barely understand her toward the end of the call. He was mad and dropping the F bomb a lot. She took the bottles with her just as I asked her to so she could give them to him. She gave him the bottles and then he started commenting on how much she took. All I was thinking was call the police and quit yelling at her. The phone hung up then I called the local sheriff office and told them I didn’t have an address but a phone number and if they could check to see if she’s OK and gave them her name. I was put on hold several times and then told that her husband just called for an ambulance. I felt a relief after that and said thank you and hung up.

Before the call tonight I hadn’t talked to her since February. She said to me on the phone people and family always say call if you need me and the only person I thought of was you. I told her I was glad she called and that I will always be here for her no matter what. Her and I have been through a lot in our short lives.

My friend and I made a pack together last year and this was when I was going through a really rough time myself and wanted to die. My friend had already had her fair share of death in her family. Because we got so close and connected I told her I choose to live for her so I wrote her a check and made it out to “Life” My friend best friend just died and that’s why she is struggling right now and it’s bring up her feeling of loosing someone close to her. She also deals with her only son death a few years ago while he was a teenager daily in her mind. He got upset one day and went to his room and 5min later she heard a shot-gun go off then she ran to his room and found her son with his head blown off. She deals with a lot and to find your son like that has got to be a mothers worst nightmare. My heart hurts for her a lot but I am here for her no matter what people say.

Last year her therapist told her that it would be best if her and I did not have contact with each other because of the things I was going through and if I killed myself she would be re traumatized and her husband agreed. These were two people judging me without knowing me. So we haven’t spoken much since but WE know WE are there for each other no matter what. We don’t have to talk everyday to know that. Because they don’t know me they fear the unknown so don’t judge me if you don’t know me. She told me what her therapist said the day she told her and wanted to give me a heads up if we don’t talk as much because of it but that we would still talk and be friends. If I need her she is there to talk to and if she needs me I’m there.

Depending on what happen over the next couple days I may go visit her next week if she is home and spend sometime there with her. I’ve never meet her husband but he knows of me I know this is tough for him also. I wish him and my friend well. I will just wait to hear from her.

UPDATE:
Her husband called me at 4:15am and said she’s OK and their at the hospital and they were going to keep her and wanted to thank me for being there for her and for having her wake him up and that he really appreciate it. I told him it was no problem and that once she got out I could drive up there to spend sometime with her if she needed it and he thanked me for that and said that maybe good for her and if you did that I could fly you out so you wont have to do the long drive and I told him I’m fine either way. He said OK we will be in touch.

Summer Adventures!

It has been a busy summer for me. I hope to blog more now that my travels are over and since I don't sit in a cubicle all day anymore I have a regular desk now :) I have been to 11 states in the last 3 mths crazy huh! One of my Godchildren died on July 3rd he was 11 so I went to spend time with the family in WA state. While there I applied for some jobs it's one of the places I may be moving to.

I also had the pleasure of meeting my youngest Goddaughter she is 2 and she is the cutest thing. She calls me Cozie if you know my name you will understand. She is pictured her with her night light I got for her. She carries it around everywhere she go now.


During my travels I meet some wonderful people I'm glad I got to meet. I went to a Juicy Couture store in another state and brought myself a gift ^_^ I also went to two different IKEAs and had a blast shopping. My Goddaughter above was not happy that she wasn't tall enough to go to the kids play area. Before I hit the road for my final leg my tire psi was low so I had to get a new tire due to a hole in my tire. Good thing I always check my car before taking long drives. The free oil changes I get for two years is coming in handy.


My hair has been in many different styles since growing it out again. I may post one I'm unsure and still trying to decide. Now its back to getting up early. This week has been very productive but busy and good.

During my drive back I took this picture just ignore the bugs on the windshield ^_^

Gratefulness

I am grateful for a lot of things in my life. I am especially grateful for two very strong and important woman in my life. Where would I be without them? They have been apart of my life for over a decade even in my late teens I knew them. They have a great family now with two beautiful children that I adore. I would like to say Thank you for being apart of my life!! I am grateful for my Mother and that she did an awesome job of raising a great, responsible, smart, and beautiful daughter. That would be me ^_^

Somethings we take for granted. I was thinking last night about all the things I am grateful for. I am grateful for have a roof over my head, a vehicle to get around in, and cloths on my back, the trees, the sun, the moon, snow, the smell of the rain, the sound of laughter, and a simple I love you between two friends. I have good friends and some family members that I look up to. It only take one incident to change your feelings. I have been able to change negative emotions into something positive lately and I've been reading a lot more than usual and enjoying me time.

I've be pondering a lot of things lately. One being my career and if it's something I want to continue. I have several options on the table and am unsure of what to do. I enjoy my job don't get me wrong, but I do not enjoy working under the boss I currently have. I feel he is very negative and enjoys finding your weakness instead of strengths. Speaking of strengths we were assigned to read a book called "Strengths Finder 2.0" and to take the online quiz to see what our strengths are and then e-mail them to mtg. My thoughts are hmmm what will come of it. Does this mean they will focus more on our strengths in the workplace and encourage us in certain areas? Or is this an exercise for us to reflect on personally.

Did You Say Something?

I have become semi mute lately. I no longer speak much I feel that it is best I remain silent and keep my mouth shut and bit my tongue as much as possible. I give people the benefit of a doubt. I found out that people I trust have been dishonest with me. It really sucks and has you doubting others. One may ask how do I know it's true? Trust me I know their the only one who would have known the information. I have also been accused of things that aren't true. I really dislike it when assumptions are made about me. All I ask is for people to call me aside and talk to me and ask if you have a concern and not to discuss it with others because then rumors start. I hate being the last one to find out something that supposedly happened. I get that it's hard to talk to people I know for me if I care about you it's harder for me to talk to you or to say "No", but if I value you as a friend then I will get the balls to talk to you. Then it always end up being easier than I thought. It takes a lot for me to trust people and once that has been violated you have to rebuild it.

control, family, and religion

This morning I way just bumming around until it was time to go to the gym. A friend of mine who I attend church with texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out and drive a couples hours for a water skiing, swimming, fishing, bbq with others from church. I asked her for the details and she said it was on fb because were members of the group. So I text her and said I could not find the details on fb and asked her to log in and message me with the link. About 10 min went by then I receive a text stating "I can't get on fb because my parents blocked it" I replied "really" while thinking WTF. Long story short we ended up not going.

First of all she is 29 for crying out loud and is the youngest one in the house. Granted I know she still lives with her parents and has to abide by their rules but damn. She has lived on her own before. My take on it is that her parents are supper controlling and rather she live with them until she gets married I'm so glad I don't have parents like that. I wonder what they would do if they found out she has a myspace account ^.^ I could never live under such control regardless of my religion and because I know her personally I can say "religion has a lot to do with it" The sad thing about the whole thing is she is a good daughter and they should trust her to make her own decisions

I guess I don't understand why adults still let their parents control them by making decisions for them when they live in their house. Especially when the person knows before they go back home how controlling their parents are. I don't get it! I understand the normal rules such as not bringing a "partner" home for the night (that's disrespectful), contributing towards the house etc.. but picking your boyfriends, dictating what movies you see, approving who you hang out with and what sites you go to online. Just plain weird to me! It just goes to show how much the influence of LOVE have on people! LOVE is dangerous :)

Do I look like a Bank?

I'm having issues with family and friends wanting to borrow money from me or just wanting a free hand out. I am so tired of this! Don't get me wrong I love helping people when they are in need even if it involves giving them money, but don't take advantage of my kindness. I know how to say NO, but I have to admit to some people saying NO is hard because I love them and I care about them.

I'm not a pushover by no means. I know how to say NO. I know how to save and budget money. I've had a checking account since I was 15yr old. I have been known to be good at saving money. I use to save money with the thoughts of "What if an emergency happens I will need money?" Then I would never spend it on myself it would only go to helping others while I wait for that emergency to happen. The emergency finally arrived and I went through all of my savings. This sucked because I could have spent some of it on me. I am glad I had money saved otherwise I would have been one of those people borrowing money.

Then reality struck one day when I realize I had less then $5.00 dollars in my "fun checking account." I thought what happened to all my money. Oh I remember! I paid a some bills for someone to help them out and didn't calculate what I had in my account. Good thing this account isn't the account I pay bills out of or I would have been screwed. I had to ask someone two days before I got paid one day if they would go with me during lunch and help me get some gas and that I would pay them back on payday. I wasn't embarrased because everyone needs a little help every now and then. It just taught me to start thinking about my needs before others. I could have dipped into my savings instead of asking for gas but I saw no need since I would be getting paid two days later. I still save money like before I just do it with a different mindset and spend money on myself instead of just for an emergency. I have spent more on myself in the last 3 mth than I have in a long time and I like it ^_^

I AM NOT A BANK It would be nice if some of those people would read my blog, then maybe they would realize how they appear and how they should be more responsible with their money.

Awake

So I joined Twitter this morning since I'm awake and can't sleep. I wasn't sure what else to do! I don't know how active I will be on it we will soon find out.

Quotes:

I've learned that people forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel - Maya Angelou

Barns & Stables

So yesterday this girl I know asked me if I wanted to go to a dance/party and I said sure because I needed to get out and step outside my box and I hadn't spent much time with her in a while. The only condition was that I didn't want to drive. We met up and once we were on the road she gave me the address and I input it into my GPS navigation I did not realize until then that we were going to good ol Fort Collins. Then I regretted not wanting to drive considering it was going to take 2 1/2 hrs to get there. Once put into the GPS and it was loaded it stated our ETA was 9:13pm so I said to her "didn't you say it was over at 10pm?" she said "yes"I said "you do realize that were only going to be there for about an hour and then it would be over." She said "really" I said "yeah, do you still want to go?" she had that look on her face like she really wanted to go and she said "yes" I'm a sucker for that look from people only because I want the other person to be happy.

I said okay but your going to have to drive a little faster so we can get there sooner. It was the longest drive of my life and it took 3 hrs. We were going 30mph in a 75mph due to the rain (I mean her driving) on the highway. She was nervous driving in the rain lol lol I told her she could never drive us anywhere again and that I was driving back.

We arrive at the location and all we saw was a huge blue barn and stables. I was in AWE over the horses there had to be over 30 horses there. I wanted to stay with the horses especially this beautiful white one. Now I'm rambling......

Long story short we were at the wrong barn (O_x) so I made a phone call and we were 1/3 of a mile down the dirt road from the correct barn. We arrived there were a lot of vehicles and there stood the correct blue barn.

I ended up two stepping and doing the chicken dance while laughing my face off during the 1 hour we were there. Even though we spent more time in the car than at the dance I have to admit I had a lot of fun in one hour and there were a lot of Geeks there. I had my eye on this one geek. From the neck up he was hott! Below the neck he was 500% geek and all I could think about was taking him shopping and dressing him so it wasn't so obvious he was a geek. Now, I'm no fashion queen but he needed help. As it turned out this geek worked for the same company I work for go figure what are the chances! He was checking me out also, but since he was a true blood geek there was no way he was going to ask for my number. So I just told him to look me up at work and gave him my secret code name ^_^ Now the ball is in his court!

This is the short version (O^O)

A friend in need is a friend in deed.

Immmmm baaaack!

Yes and this time I'm talking about friends..... how many of us have them? friends.....ones we can depend on.

Just the other day I was thinking about my friends and having conversations with a few of my so called friends.

When I am in need of assistance from my friends, it's often difficult to ask and be exposed as "Human" and interdependent upon others. That is the hardest part. and it's also the part that makes me wonder how good of a friend am I.

So I considered for a while am I one of those so called friends who can only befriend someone in need? I can be that friend who can come to the rescue and save the day. I can cheer a pal who's down, I can lend a helping hand sometimes even to my own detriment. I'm a great friend in need. But am I a friend in deed?

Check this out. as I examine my inner most places, I discovered that I carry expectations. Expectations of reciprocation of intent and deed. When I'm in need, I look to my friends to be the friend that I am. I expect them to cheer me, to put themselves aside to assist me in my time of lack, to act in my stead as a champion of my best interest. no matter the personal cost to them excusing emanate detriment. Fair? NO absolutely not. When they do not come thru in the way that I would have them, I am upset, sad and sometimes angry at them simply for not being me and doing what I would have done. So why all the introspection? Why not. perhaps the world would be a better and more authentic place if it were such that more of us interdependent humans spent more time inside our selves than elsewhere. Could it be that "friendship" is a comfortable concept that has been accepted by the masses to qualify our innate interdependent nature, while preserving our fragile ego-ideals?

I think I'll be spending some time pondering this concept and get back to you all in a while. till then......keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.""