100th Post

I have not been doing well lately this would include both mentally and physically. As my regular readers have noticed I twitter more than I blog now. This may be the most annoying post you have read on my blog (or maybe not) I am going to post 100 random things that most likely won't flow or make sense. Just know it's all true. Sometimes you just need to release whats in your head. This will probably be the most you ever get out of me about me and my life/experiences. So buckle your seat belt and welcome to my world/brain for a moment.

1. I'm sick of people bullshit

2. My **** *** **** ** ***

3. I want to leave this fucking country

4. My brain/emotions have been triggered by Jaycee kidnapping since I was also kidnapped as a child.

5. Why can't people accept you and your decisions they don't live your life so why tell them what you think is best for them

6. I love skittles the red pack of course

7. I just bought a pair of Juicy Couture sunglasses $100+ of course

8. Lately I've been thinking about dying and yes that means killing myself, but don't worry it will not be a huge shocker shit happens right

9. I know who my true friends are and I'm questioning one of them in my mind

10. My mom needs to get her shit together and quit falling "in love" with pedophiles

11. No amount of money will make you happy giving it to others makes me happy

12. Cubicles suck ass (Unless you sit next to BreJ)

13. I hate rap and music with profanity (I know and I'm using a lot of it right now :) )

14. I can't stand nosey people who want to be in your business

15. Less than a week ago I helped change someone mind about being baptized It felt good

16. Needy people irritate the hell out of me

17. I love watching Big Brother with my Ex for some reason it makes both of us happy

18. I use to model for American Eagle

19. I'm fluent in sign language and sometimes I wish I was deaf

20. Panda pisses me off every week

21. I'm a sucker for red heads, but I'm scared of what my children would look like o_O

22. My back hurts so bad everyday and if I took the medications I'm suppose to I would be addicted

23. I have watched people die in front of me and in my arms(and no I was never in the military)

24. I do not believe in a burning Hell

25. I believe that people who are convicted of child abuse should get life in prison and if convicted of murdering a child they should get Death

26. I am truly a Geek if you haven't already noticed

27. I really want a rotary phone I like the way they ring

28. When I use to live alone and I only had one bathroom in the apartment I would lock the door so no one could use it (people nasty!!!)

29. I have never been to jail

30. I love target shooting, but I won't use a target that is an animal

31. I am a SRA/DID survivor

32. It's amazing how this stuff just flows out of my head it's kinda scary to think that I have experience so much shit in my short life

33. I'm unsure about Marriage

34. Lately Xanax has been my best friend , but I'm not addicted (not yet)

35. I really want to be on the Amazing Race

36. I am terrrrrified of roaches I wont even kill them I scream and sometimes cry

37. I miss being in Love

38. I don't wear makeup unless it's a special occasion

39. Holidays freak me out so I always go to a movie on them (long story)

40. I have a lot of patience for children, but I don't for adults

41. I love getting pedicures

42. Red is my favorite color , but I really like pink too

43. I believe you should only kiss someone's ass if it depends on your survival (meaning death)

44. I've never worked in a restaurant or fast food place

45. When I moved to this state I saved 1K a year and in 10years I had over 10k so I bought my mom a car

46. My lil brother is a selfish lil Prick

47. My moms side of the family are Assholes

48. I'm surprised I'm still alive

49. I'm starting to feel a little better getting this crap off my chest

50. Why is it when you are accused of doing something your close family members don't ask if you did it only associates or strangers ask........ hmmm very interesting.......

51. I really enjoy blogging, but the thoughts I've had this summer are too crazy/scary to share

52. If someone asks me a question I am honest and tell them what I think. So why do they get mad if your too honest? Why ask?

53. Damn this is going to be a long Post I know were past 50 so if you need to stop reading I'm ok with it I don't blame you one bit

54. I stand for truth and righteousness

55. I delight in service and good works

56. I would die for my family

57. I would sacrifice myself to help others regardless of the consequences

58. I really love crushed ice by itself or in drinks

59. I eat pretzels everyday

60. Here is one that will blow your mind... I was conceived while my father was serving a life sentence (very long story)

61. I want to be cremated

62. I'm a Big kid at heart

63. My next computer will be a MAC I'm done with Windows (I'm still going to play City of Heroes)

64. I really dislike peanut butter

65. I order my pizza with no sauce

66. I love to cook and I'm good at it

67. When I grow up I'm going to be Canadian

68. Traveling means freedom

69. I kinda question someone if they don't have a passport or care to get one it just seems odd to me

70. Take me as I am

71. I am a unique individual and sometimes wonder why

72. I hate sleeping I normally only get 3-4hrs a night

73. I love playing video games

74. I'm an artist and love to create things and I love anime

75. I totally dislike coffee, but I love the smell of it

76. I want to go skydiving, but I can never find anyone to do it with me I don't want to do it alone
77. I'm unsure if I ever want to get married

78. I really want a pet but I'm allergic to dogs and cats

79. I could work in the dark all day if I was given the opportunity

80. Where have I been? I just discovered Wingstop OMG they have the best fries and wings of course

81. When I'm in my car I sing like I'm a superstar

82. I know every last word to the Wayne's World and Ninja Turtle movies (and I drive BreJ nuts)

83. I wonder how many people will make it this far down my list Honestly I don't know that I would read all 100 unless I kinda know the person

84. I gag when people have really bad body odor and if I have to work or be around them I breath through my mouth all day (cough cough.... Brandon)

85. One day at a time and one hour at a time gets me through life

86. This week I was told I went "Loco" on my cubicle lol truth is I did (BreJ... ya)

87. I have a blackberry and I only use 10% of it's special features

88. I have a list of things I want to do before I die and it's almost complete

89. I want to meet the Dalai Lama

90. I do not like being micro managed nor do I get along with micro managers

91. You are probably thinking "What the Hell?" If so it's ok I don't mind

92. This is the first Friday in September 2009 and I'm still unsure why I'm still here among you all

93. Life is crazy, fun, boring, shocking, amazing, disappointing, and unpredictable

94. Why do bad things happen to good people?

95. Sometimes I'm a tease and I like it

96. I go to the movies at least twice a week (yeah, I know I'm a movie whore)

97. I do not like the taste of alcohol

98. I do not like the taste of chocolate but I like the way it feels in my mouth when it melts

99. I really like bacon

100. I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY @(*_*)@

Watz up?

This is what happens when I take time off from work (^O_X^)

What I've been up to isn't important, lets talk about head and heart matters...and lets not omit the signals and direction that comes from that place between thighs.

It's kinda cool when two outta the three are congruent, it's scary when all three seem to be saying the same things, and it's crazy when only one of the three says "awe, that water isn't shallow." What to do what to do, sex always complicates things, I mean, there are so many things to negotiate..previous histories, diagnosis, partners, feelings, expectations, points of phycosis, condom use...the list could be even longer. Abstainance is still always an OPTION.

When my sex is not my weapon, or my currency. What stops me from engaging in a sexual relationship with out commitment?

When my sex is not my obsession or my gift to my partner. What pushes me to indulge full in sex with reckless abandon?

When my sex is mine and I am empowered to hold or share it. What makes me make choices about intimacy that feel like missed opportunites?

Men, Ladies please think about what sex means to you before engaging in it. Define intimacy for yourself and evaluate the WHYS. Remain curious.

Sex Safely !

a lil sumthin that needs to come out

At this point I have so many questions. What is the meaning of Love? What is the structure of an exciting love story in contemporary times? And once the story commences how do you keep it going? How can we trust what seems real, or for that matter, how can we trust anything these days? Nothing seems to be built to last: cars, clothes, dental crowns and especially relationships. With the high divorce and infidelity rates, marriage seems like a bad bet even for people with a gambling addiction. The phrase serial monogamy sounds too much like a Curable STD. Should we not have a collections of loves and/or marriages: one for sex and one for kids, one for therapy, one for companionship and maybe a Las Vegas one for fun.

I know things have changed since the 1950's especially with gender roles shifting, blurring and smearing. Women juggle the stress of careerism with the gravity of biology with a sense of truncated liberation and Men heed to the duty to provide at the risk of emotional impairment and hesitating masculinity.

The way and how we communicate these days is so conducive to the impersonal and emotional fakery. Emails/texting is such a contraceptional prophylactic agency of deception and detachment, where the virtual is virtually everywhere, competing vociferously with the staleness of a pedestrian reality. And in the land of Internet Connections, ithis and ithat, where busy people meet, and check in about their day, find out how someone is coping with their self doubt and insecurities there is insidious vapor of self-centeredness and faux connections that impede the journey to the things that we all say we want: Love and Intimacy.

I know how to love children, nature, friends, objects, things, ideas and dreams. But to love a man is something different, I am learning. It is more art and not mathematics. It is spiritual and not political. It is magical not didactical. It is a gigantic leap of faith not a calculated formula that lands one in the lap of safety and comfort. I realized that the thirst for knowledge and truth at the expense of magic destroys the spirit, blemishes the art and spoils the palate. I know first hand the failure of theory over practice, talking over hugging, and dreaming over living. As I engage my partner in the journey for love , I must simply love more from the heart and less from the mind and realize that a whisper can be more powerful than a roar and that small steps can be more meaningful than gigantic ones. But am I willing to sacrifice and dwell in places of famine and scarcity for this love and keep waiting, remaining open and not give up and not relenting to the adversary who is impudence, impotent connection, desperation? The answer is most certainly, YES.

I know patience is essential and preparedness is foundational, however the wait is killing me! Images of a past life suggest that I was a healer and that I was much too busy...or made myself to appear that way, to love and be open...My love was exhibited in the service that I constantly found myself in to those who were in need of easing of pain and suffering from life's insidious diseases and ailments. Today I suffer the ailment of heartsickness, red eyes and swollen nasal passages are clinical presentations of the deeper ailment. My prescription, to stand fast. To experience what the Sufi call "weathering that which wears you down, a firing of the soul and spirit" I know this to be true....what I possess is real, what I am able to co-create is real, and love....be it the search for such or the abandonment of the same is timeless.

I hope to apply the examples of times' greatest lovers in my journey, and that others will find a way to do the same.